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May. 14th, 2009

Hate...

 I hate everyone around me.  I hate the pretty girls. The skinny girls. I hate when I have to work so hard for things that come so easily to other people. I hate that I have to compete constantly.  I hate my body.  I hate myself.  I just want to die.

May. 6th, 2009

Unhappy...

Somehow I lost control for the first time in a very long time over the weekend. I don't know how much I ate and I don't even want to know. All I know was that I felt normal for a couple days. It felt good eating out with my boyfriend. It felt good making myself a plate of food and knowing I was going to eat it. I let myself go crazy...

But the whole time, in the back of my mind, I knew I was going to pay for it later. I suppose this is what we call a binge. I binged long and hard. I didn't even run.

Then Monday rolled around and I stepped on the scale... I actually felt my heart speed up. Ugh. Water weight. I know it's water weight. Even the food that was still in my stomach was adding weight that would be gone by the next day. I know all this, but still the number on the scale effectively ended my binge and sent me straight in to a fast day.

I didn't even know I was going to fast yesterday. I didn't mean to. I kept telling myself I needed to eat, but I just couldn't bring myself to. The sight of food made me feel ill. My stomach burned and growled all day long - but I just had no desire to eat. I was stuck in a very frustrating cycle; telling myself I needed to eat, going to find something to eat, not being able to make myself eat, realizing that it doesn't make a bit of difference anyway - I'm fat no matter what I do, and then telling myself I need to it... it went on and on. Same as every day I guess.

I tried to run... but could barely get out two miles. Me - the one who's training for a marathon. Me - the one who runs ten miles easily and just stops because she's run out of time. After two miles, I was done. No energy. I know I'm hurting myself. I know I am.

It's almost 1. I still haven't eaten... and I don't know when I will. Someone, please help me.
Tags: ,

May. 5th, 2009

ED Survey...

Got this from in_thedeep's journal.

ED SURVEY

*Height?: 5'7
*Weight?: 127
*Lowest Weight?: 120
*Highest Weight?: 144 recently, but 175-180 before...
*What weight do you want to weigh?: I don't know anymore.
*What eating disorder do you have?: EDNOS

In Depth

*How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: Technically about 1,000-1,500... but I'm training for a marathon, so running ten miles or more most days so net can't be more than 500.
*Do you throw up your food on occasion?: I never have, but the other night I almost looked up tips on how to do this. I didn't - but it scares me that I even had the thought.
*Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: no i hate them all (her answer, but I like it)
*Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: Marathon runner!
*Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: Yeah... both during my HW and LW days.
*Have you ever fasted? Yes.
*Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: Laxatives are useless.
*Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: Not inspired...
*Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: No.
*Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: Nope.
*Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: Every day.

Body Image Q's

*Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: They're all liars anyway.
*What part of your body would you change?: This question should be "What wouldn't you change?" It'd be a shorter answer.
*On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: 0.
*Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: No, but a lot of how I feel about myself is decided by how much weight I lost this week.
*Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: In addition to other things.
*Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: no. i compare myself to real people (her answer again).

Health/Food

*Do you think you eat healthy enough?: I eat like a rabbit.
*Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: No, I run too much... I am self conscious about it though. Skinny bitch I work with always comments on how it's great that I eat carbs and don't care. F you, you brat. You don't know anything.
*Fat grams?: Oh, yes.
*Calories?: I'm even afraid of the word.
*Are you often tired/fatigued?: Yes.
*Do you feel more energised after eating food?: I feel more stressed usually.
*Do you eat meat?: Vegetarian since I was 5.
*Do you eat your food in a certain way? I eat slow - very slow. Don't know if that counts.
*Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: People tell me I look sick or tired a lot.
*Have you ever thrown up blood?: No... I don't think so.
*Is your heart bpm above 49?: Don't remember the last time I checked.
*Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: No, but I am very light headed all the time.

Other Stuff

*Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: Yes and no. I don't think they help.
*What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: I would really like that kind of support. From anyone.
*Do you have any other mental disorders? Clinical depression. Yay me.
*What's your favourite food to eat?: Strawberries, oranges and apples.
*Favourite drink?: Water, tea and coke zero. Coke zero mixed with sugarless tropical iced tea + a little lemon... perfection.
*Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: I want to be normal...
*Do you want to recover?: I'm afraid of recovery, but I don't want to be afraid of recovery.
Tags: , ,

Shoot Me Now...

I'm too upset to really write anything, but I'm so unhappy... if anyone ever reads this, you have my permission to just shoot me now.

May. 2nd, 2009

Guh...

So the doughnuts that were harassing me yesterday were still around this morning and I had one :(  I thought it'd be okay... I told myself it's fine.  I'll just be careful for the rest of the day and run extra or something.  For a few minutes I felt like, "Yay! Doughnut!" And now I want to cry.  I've reached my damn plateau on the scale which I've been trying to push past for a few days now - and I decide to eat an f'ing doughnut?! I bet my parents were happy.  I don't even know why I'm here... I don't want to feel like this anymore.  It was just a doughnut, not the end of the world.  I just want to be normal again and be able to go through a day without obsessing over what is and what is not going in my mouth.

Sigh... here's to not eating for the rest of the day *raises empty glass* :(

May. 1st, 2009

WHY?!

 I'm being followed by doughnuts today and it's driving me insane.  My dad came in to my room this morning with a cake doughnut covered in strawberry icing and sprinkles :s  Those were my favorite when I was little and he said he got it especially for me.  I woke up and looked at it... I even smelled it... and then I gave it to my dog.  I felt bad, but I couldn't let myself eat it. And NOW I'm at work and I thought I would be safe for a while, but my co worker decided to go buy doughnuts.  He asked me if I wanted anything and I said no - he said he'll just bring back a dozen.  Now I'm going to be staring at a box of doughnuts for the rest of my shift. WHY?!

It's 5 and I've only eaten an orange today and that I was so I could go running.  I know I should eat, but... gah, so lame.

Apr. 28th, 2009

Today and Every day...

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